YOU CAN'T WIN WITH WOMEN

Enjoyee reading............



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Read more...

SOME FUNNY FACTS

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.


The road to success??.. Is always under construction.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Especially for engg. Students----

If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Read more...

before and after marriage

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it..
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
JUST JOKING HA HA HA HA
ENJOY

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

Read more...

CREATIVITY AT THE BEST

CONDUCTOR




ATHLETES





FOOTBALLER





GOALKEEPER




WEIGHTLIFER




PIANIST




PEACOCK




ROOSTER



CANOIEST

Read more...

4 THOUGHTS BY MEN

Thought 1



When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.



Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

This is the Best !!!


Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter.......... all except the poor Groom!!

Read more...

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR!

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR!

*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....

* Tenth floor of a hi-rise building...*

*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *
*You open the door....

NOW, REMEMBER,*

*THE FLOOR IS JUST* A PAINTED FLOOR!**

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*

Scroll sloooooooowly.....











Would this mess up your mind???
Would you be able to walk in to this bathroom???

Read more...

incredible bird einstein

Read more...

Reckoner on effects of alcohol & remedies!!!

Symptom Root Cause Cure
Cold and humid feet. Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet). Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
The wall facing you is full of lights. You're lying on the floor. Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
The floor looks blurry. You're looking through an empty glass. Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
The floor is moving. You're being dragged away. At least ask where they're taking you!
You hear echoes every time someone speaks. You have your glass on your ear. Stop making a fool of yourself!
Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny. You're in the wrong house. Ask if they can point you to your house.
The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive. You're in an ambulance. Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Read more...

call centre conversation....laugh

Have a good laugh... call centre conversations !!!!!
============================================

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared. '

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Read more...

laugh......laugh......laugh

I could not stop laughing and hope you would also like to smile…….enjoy.

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon , we have copies of
everything."


============ ========= ========= ========= =====

2
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The bar man says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
4

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
5
A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog

Read more...

laugh......laugh......laugh

I could not stop laughing and hope you would also like to smile…….enjoy.

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon , we have copies of
everything."


============ ========= ========= ========= =====

2
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

3
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The bar man says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
4

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====
5
A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog

Read more...

insanity test

Old one...nevertheless a good exercise!!

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "milk" five times. Now spell "milk"
What do cows drink?
















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?


















Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?














Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Read more...